THE SIMPLE LIFE!!!

These are troubling days. Astronauts are having wanton sexual relations and brandishing pellet guns. Graduate students are discovering the full cream Danish. The lower classes are draping themselves in cheap Chinese cashmere, ruining it for the rest of us.

Luckily, every once in a while you can get away from this hubbub and so forth and enjoy a refined respite in the frozen tundra of the upper middle west. This past few days I had the distinct pleasure of visiting friends in the Twin Cities of Minnesota. It's always a pleasure to return to my common roots of Minnesota/North Dakota as it affords me the opportunity to take things easy and just enjoy the company of old friends.

On Friday night I arrived by helicopter and was immediately ushered off to an undisclosed elite residence to discuss the Asian markets over scotches and pigeon. Conversation however quickly turned to a our most decadent recent trenchermen conquests. My personal favorite was learning the proper way to eat a condor’s egg that has been poached in an orphans’s tears. The answer? Break the yoke with the horn of a juvenile white rhinos then set it all one fire with Blue label scotch before hurling it at the somelier. Simple in it’s own way.

This discussion began a weekend of classic extravagance and one upmanship. No act was too much nor too good for us. We put water in Seagrams gin bottles and handed them out to hobos. We paid children to run away from home. And even bought martinis for our puggles. But like a candle burning at both ends over an active volcano, our indulgence had to give way eventually. About half way through our fittings for bespoke driving gloves made from emperor penguin and lined with the eyelashes of giraffes, we felt a strange emptiness and futility that no amount of home foreclosures could satisfy. It was then I knew it was time to return home.

Perhaps someday I will return to that simple life....