THE BEST DAMN PETSHOP THERE IS!!!..

It’s been an important week for me. A week of nervous anticipation that was finally relieved last night with the arrival of my new turntable. For those of you who don’t know I’ve been really into jazz records for like 2 weeks now. My collection boasts a wide assortment of easy listening titles and cool covers of black men standing over a piano smoking cigarettes. Like all collectors of jazz records I now have status and respect in the eyes of my elders, and the envy of my peers. Not only that but these records impart instant cool and sophistamacation. And up until last night, the only thing missing was a record player to play them on. Well, with the arrival of my musica-technica PL50 SLP XTII Mach 3, I can die a relatively happy man and leave a beautiful corpse that has experienced the finest in stereophonica surround sound not to mention an illustrious collection of 4 hot jazz records.

In fact, I was so happy with my new groove I sat down and wrote out a last will and testament and taped it to the cover of the record player so there won’t be any unnecessary bloodshed or tears over my valuable and vast collection.

The 2 moldy records with lame white guys on the jackets go to An Doof Ass: He’ll think they’re cool because the guys look like him. Sure they’re 45 years old and wearing flannel shirts and baggy chinos, but, as we all know, so is An Doof Ass as he’s reading this. And sure the set lists include “A Christman Medley” and “Take 5, 5 different ways,” but An Doof Ass loves annoying repetitive drivel, it relaxes him, much like rubbing alcohol and whittling things out of soap.

The one from ‘82 with the drawing of a hot pink topless women drowning in a sea of hyper-color: That I leave to my wife who loves the record so much she keeps trying to hide it so only she can enjoy its pastiche of smooth vibes and synth.

The one with the black guys standing around a piano smoking: That goes with me to the grave.