WoRDS of WisdomeD!

Christmas brings out the worst in people. Take An Doof Ass for example. While usually an unpleasant and debauched individual, Christmas An Doof Ass takes on a whole new persona. That of Captain Liquor Bag. Now Captain Liquor Bag has one dominating characteristic–depravity. Yesterday, I arrived home from my prestigious vocation to find his graduate school fatness sulking around my block. Apparently he was under the impression that if he is on a holiday reprieve so must be everyone else. His plastic bag filled with tattered rags and filthy camel hair jacket signified the state of his intellectual and economic situation.

This was unwelcome.

Luckily, I know how to handle such circumstances and immediately called up a close friend and told him the situation. Within the hour, he arrvies, ready to help me put CLB on a strict schedule:

6:30: CLB arrvies. Claims he is spending the night.

6:31: Wife asks to speak to Working Boy in private. Wife accuses WB of "loving his friends more than her." Says if CLB stays in her apartment she’ll kill him. Working Boy agrees.

6:33: Close associate arrives. Says "I’ll take care of this wino bastard homewrecker."

6:34: Working Boy and Associate make a pact to keep CLB from destroying WB’s happy home. Both make a small incision on their index fingers and place them together becoming blood brothers and best friends for life. Teamwork and comradery ensue.

6:35: Whiskey purchased (by Working Boy). Cigarettes smoked.

6:42: Whiskey gone. General jolliness. Wife demands CLB out of house. Some yelling.

6:52: Arrival at local watering hole. CLB discusses lack of sexual potency with wait staff.

6:55: Working Boy and Associate enjoy mint juleps and discuss the market. CLB takes off his shirt.

7:00: CLB kicked out of bar.

7:01: CLB readmits himself through bathroom window.

7:02-12:00: Inexplicable fogginess highlighted by sobering bar tab.

12:01: CLB claims he has no money.

12:02: Anger-filled words exchanged. Manhood questioned.

12:03: Tab paid by Working Boy and Associate. If possible, Captain Liquor Bag feels shame.

12:05: All exit bar.

12:06: CLB’s jacket and man purse thrown into street for Working Boy and Associate’s entertainment.

12:07: Liquor Bag begins to cry and requests an oath of eternal friendship be taken. Request denied. Man purse thrown back into street. General well being.

12:10: Bus arrives to take his sorry drunk ass out of sight. Bus driver not pleased.

12:20: Working Boy arrives home.

12:21: Wife awakes. Words exchanged.

7:15: Working Boy wakes up on couch, makes grits, puts on stylish yet understated tie.

8:00: Arrives at work. Swears undying hatred for Captain Liquor Bag, misses sweet, innocent An Doof Ass.

8:05: Buys Egg McMuffin.