rat babies
Christmas has come and gone, but not without leaving a terrible path of destruction behind it. Did you know, for example, that I shamed my wife by providing vastly superior and thoughtful presents? I did. While she received a handmade vase from her supposed motherland, I got a desk calendar. When she opened a festively wrapped box to reveal a jewel-encrusted hairpin, I opened a plastic bag from K-mart to reveal a tie from Kohls. I would go on, but while she opened a series of gifts made of only the most innocent and fluffy of baby seals, I opened nothing. For you see I only received those two incredibly crappy presents. But it’s cool, I’m not mad or anything. After all, I got the best Christmas present of all: A week alone working everyday and freezing every night while she gallivants around Little Rock free as some kind of not to be trusted bird.
Of course, there are upsides to her being gone. If she was here, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to learn all kinds of fascinating things about my horribly scary apartment. Did you know no matter how loud you turn up the t.v. you can still hear the rats running around behind the walls? (After washing the dishes last night I went to pull the stopper when a rat mom covered in rat babies crawled out from under the sink and ran up my leg, leaving a trail of squirming rat babies along the way. This is 100% true.) Or if you drink all the sherry in the house while watching Rumpole of the Baily you don’t really feel that awesome? And, perhaps most surprising of all, vampire erotica is actually really scary? Well now you know. So please trust me when I say: Don’t watch Vampyros Lesbos without someone else there. It’s cool for the first 20 minutes, but by then you’ve seen all the boobs you’re going to see and not nearly all the blood and ice picks. Ok, so, that still made the movie sound cool, but it's not, really. At best the movie is just a nonstop lesbian sexromp with a surprise ending when you discover the only way to kill a lesbian vampire is to have a chaste, 18-year-old redhead who’s into experimenting seductively kiss each and every one of the lesbian vampires. But that's not till like the last half of the movie so...
Oh yes, one more thing. Does anyone know how to get rat babies out of your bed without them biting you or crawling inside your ears?
posted by Working Boy @ 10:36 AM
8 Comments:
You've got to find a larger, more intimidating animal to put in your bed to scare them out.
1) Borrow one of my cats for a while. Rat babies = tasty treat.
2) Glue traps. They work well, but you have to watch the damn things squirm until they starve to death.
3) Rat Poison? This works well too. Just don't mistake it for sugar and put it in your coffee. Bad mistake. Got my stomach pumped once for that.
4) Good Old fashioned mouse traps. Block of Cheese + Spring loaded snapper = headless mouse/rate. It is gross, but efficient. Like the Germans. I think a German probably invented the modern mouse trap. Probably.
5) Embrace the rat babies and raise them for experimental purposes (i.e., testing various "herbal" remedies to check for dosage, effects, etc)
I'm running out of ideas here. In the least, watch out for the bubonic, sir.
the rat baby is a tricky species
a real jackson
yes, a "larger more intimidating animal to put in your bed"
.......vampire erotica anyone?
When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death.
what? if this is true, we are getting a cat
When I had an apartment with rats in Chicago, I let the cockroaches take care of them. Not the most hygenic way, sure, but largely effective. (Of course, once the rats are gone, buy some Raid in bulk...)
-your wife's ex-roommate :)
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