Journal of A Working Boy: )))) 10-18-05 )))))))

Office work isn’t all sitting in front of a high-speed internet connection for 8 hours trying to distract yourself. It’s also about keeping people out of your money. Every time I turn around someone is asking me to pitch in a few bucks for Tina’s baby shower or Joe’s birthday cake. It’s a scam if ever a scam there was and I’m tired of it. I’ve been on the job for a little over a year now (oh good lord) and I’m no office sucker anymore; I’ve learned a few things, a few things about everything.

Why just yesterday I found out LaQueesha had died, orphaning a 3 and 1 year old in the process. And wouldn’t you know it, a collection was started. And not only that, but Co-Worker is going around the office publicly soliciting donations. Now some might say you should donate 3 to 5 dollars to orphaned children, but those people aren’t really thinking about the situation. For one, 3 to 5 dollars makes you look cheap, but anything more than that and you might have to cut PopTarts out of your all ready tight budget. Also, where do you draw the line?! First you’re giving money to orphans and all of the sudden they start hitting you up for an animal shelter donation! I've learned you must take up an array of defenses in order to defend both your good name and your pocket book.

Hiding is the first and best defense. When you hear Co-Workers coming hide under your desk or go the restroom for a couple of hours. This defense is usually all you need. In fact, it’s gotten me out of 2 birthday cakes and a baby shower. But it turns out soliciting money for orphans makes Co-Workers even more emphatic and pushy. A second level of defense is required - constant subterfuge.

Co-Worker: Hi W.B. I’ve been looking for you did you get my e-mail?
W.B.: E-mail? You mean the one about leftover donuts and cold coffee being available in Conference Room B for anyone willing to sacrifice taste and decency for table scraps?
Co-Worker: No, the one about LaQueesha dying from cancer, orphaning 2 children in the West Garfield Park ghetto.
W.B: Oh yes. Terrible shame, really. Terrible. But what can you do, circle of life and all that. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to use um…and so forth.
Co-Worker: Actually, there is something you can do. We’re starting a fund for the orphaned children so that they can live. I’m collecting donations right now, would you like to contribute? These children have no one.
W.B.: Um..I’d love to help but I’ve got my own set of financial obligations. You see I’m supporting like 14 kids in Africa. I send a check every month for like 13K dollars and it buys them all kinds of stuff. They send me pictures every once in a while. You should see them, so much life and energy, really an inspiring country and a beautiful people, really great stuff. I’m even thinking about supporting a child born into poverty in my own country. I’ve been praying very seriously about it for about 2 years now. Suffice it to say therefore that I’m in dire financial straights due to my overly generous spirit.
Co-Worker: That’s great that you support children. How long have you been involved and where exactly in Africa?
W.B.: Let’s see, I’m going on 20 years of giving and they’re all over the country: the north, south, middle, deserts, all over. I’m a giver. I give to people all the time. Africa.
Co-Worker: yeah, well, um, can you spare just a few bucks for the orphaned children. With energy costs increasing 70% this winter many people -such as these orphans- simply won’t be able to stay warm.
W.B.: Actually, it’s funny you should mention it. I’m out of money. You know how it is, the City doesn’t pay us near enough for all the work we do etc…Slaves are we and what not.
CO-Worker: Well, it’s true we don’t make lots of money, but how many expenses do you have? You never eat out for lunch, have 2 ties and you gentrify a poor neighborhoods just to save 50 dollars a month in rent. Can’t you give just a few bucks? Anything helps.
W.B.: I drink. I’m an alcoholic and need help. Sweet Jesus I need help (start crying here)! The creature has me! Backslidin’ am I towards myself! cry-cry-cry-cry-cry-cry-cry-cry-cry-cry-cry-cry-cry
*Success*

Sure it’s a bit of a stretch, but we’re talking about money: Money I could spend on movies and PopTarts. And besides how do I know my “Co-Worker” is actually “giving” the money to the “orphans?” I don’t, really. Plus, I’ve already pulled in like 300 for rehab.