^^^^^^^^^^ Out on the TOWN ^^^^^^^^^^

I’ve been trying to sober up. I've found the trick is to fill your time with things besides drinking. Recently I’ve taken up cross-stitch, eating shortening, and –most importantly- composing pickup moves. Not to brag but I’ve gotten pretty good. For example, if a swinging lady comes up to me and asks if I have change for a five I say: Yes, and I will give it to you in exchange for a brief flirtation. And if a guy tries to make a move on the girl I fend him off by looking at the ceiling while repeatedly cracking my neck and reciting last weeks football scores as quickly as possible - *crack* Vikings 10 Redskins 24!, *crack* Oilers 15, Packers 17!. *Crack* Chargers 15, Browns 13!. You know, cool guy stuff.

Anyway last night was the perfect opportunity to try out my new moves. You see, The Wife I’m technically married often keeps me from doing cool stuff, but she fell asleep at 8:30 so I was free put on my ironically dirty shirt, blue sneakers and cargo shorts and head to the bar. The walk over was uneventful for the most part, a couple of times I was mistaken for An Doof Ass and consequentially robbed and left for dead on 18th, but that's nothing new.

Upon my arrival the sounds of the Smokin’ Bones (serious chick scoring music) filled the air. The stage was set. I sat down next to a guy and girl swinger in conversation. The guy had flipped up hair, a pierced tongue and a lot of Papa Smurf patches on his shoulder bag. The girl was wearing large framed sunglasses inside: a seriously hot fashion statement.

W.B.: Anyone need any money broken?
Girl: What? Are you being indie and ironic?
W.B.: Yes on both accounts.
Girl: prove it.
W.B.: All right. Um…Lumpen has become so politically preshrunk these days. Can they get anymore Rick Moody on us?.
Girl: Not bad. Now do ironic.
W.B.: Um…I dig the ARMY and Bright Eyes?
Girl: Oh baby, you’re the whole package. Take me now!
Guy: Sandy! You’re like totally falling for him! He’s like Greg Louganis and Brian Boitano wrapped up in the body of Kieran Culken! I could just eat him up!

*Crack*

W.B.: Redskins 14, Giants 4!, Knickerbockers 45, Browns 2!, Warren Moon! Screen Pass! Salary Cap!
Girl: What they hell are you doing?
Guy: Um…sweetie?

*Crack*

W.B.: Screen pass! Take a knee! Intentional Grounding!

I realized my mistake later. The Knickerbockers are a fucking basketball team not a football team. Damnit! She was as good as in the bag.