Journal of a Working Boy: 8-19-05:*The Righteous Rage of the Rage-filled!*

This Working Boy was on the bus this morning going east on Washington when all of the sudden he saw someone running beside the bus carrying a backpack and briefcase. W.B. recognized this figure as a fellow ’04 alum of Wheaton College (Il)


(*quick aside* the US News and World Reports college rankings just came out. On Wheaton’s website they have their yearly rant, "Why Wheaton is Never in the Top 50," and in typical Wheaton fashion the administration's reasoning is completely deceptive. Wheaton is #73 in alumni giving and, according to them, this is what drops us in the rankings. This is deceptive for two reasons. First, while it is true Wheaton's endowment is no Amherst or Carlton, Wheaton is the mother fucking Amherst and Carleton and Harvard and Yale of Christian College endowments all rolled into one! Guilt tripping alumni by comparing Wheaton to secular ivy league and elite institutions is unfair and ridiculous. But more to the point, the US News and World Reports system places the largest emphasis (25% of the final score, nothing else is above 5%) on “peer review” which asks universities to rank on another. Wheaton's reputation is consistently ranked in the basement on this score. In fact, when Wheaton made the top 50 in 2001 it had THE LOWEST reputation score in Tier 1 (by almost an entire point out of a five point scale) and one of THe LOWEST (I believe the third lowest) reputation score out of the the Tier 2 schools! Wheaton's endowment and giving is "good" (73 out of 250 ain't bad!) for a liberal arts college, and it is fucking amazing for a "Chrsitian" liberal arts college. Its reputation is just far too low to be a US. News first tier liberal arts institution. Don't deceive us Wheaton; stand up and say "we are not a highly enough respected institution to warant the marks needed to be a consistenly ranked Tier 1 institutions." My prayers go out out to the faculty and staff that have to deal with this idiotic administrative bullshit every day.)


Upon seeing this old chum, W.B. thinks, "He looks like he knows what’s up to. I’ll go chat with him…”

*and with that W.B. pulls the emergency brake and bus squeals to a stop hurling strollers over drunks and drunks over foxy 20-something Loopers. He exits quickly. Just the, Wheatonite blows right by him in his hurry to get wherever he’s going.

W.B. (while performing secret alumni hand guestures and singing toward Wheatonite) With heart and soul and brain, I worship you Mother Wheaton pride of all mankind! (he stops, watching the figure fade in the distance)
W.B. Hey Wheatonite! Where you going in such a hurry, it’s me, W.B., an old school yard chum!

With that Wheatonite turns around and yells, “I know it’s you W.B. but I’m late for work. Let’s do lunch sometime.” Then, like a shot of paint thinner before an Doof Ass, he’s gone.

W.B. Late for work?, W.B. says to himself, What does that mean? Oh that silly old bastard.

And with that W.B. begins to sprint after Wheatonite. He catches up to him at Michigan Aveue, just as Wheatonite plows into a hobo.

W.B.: Look out for the hobo!

Wheatonite: (while looking at a torn pant leg) Oh dear, I shall be late to work.
W.B.: Don’t you have someone who will clock you in so you don’t have to show up on time?
Wheatonite: What?
W.B. Come on, let’s go get some coffee. Hey, did I tell you I just got a raise?

*W.B. leans down and picks a couple bucks out of the collapsed Hobo’s cup and off they go. At the Jamba Juice Wheatonite begins to tell him all about his life since college.*

W.B.: Regale me with tales!
Wheatonite: Well W.B., since leaving dear ol'Wheaton and moving to Carol Stream I've devoted myself to glorifying God in all I do. Also, I have become and investment banker.
W.B. Well that is something! I myself am a creative writer, I score all kinds of babes.
Wheatonite: (obviouly not listening) Praise God!
W.B.: (obviously not listening) and so forth.
Wheatonite: What church are you going to? I myself have a bi-weekly bible study that really fulfills me and there are lots of godly women involved in the ministry. They are a blessing.
W.B. I agree completely as long as by goldy you mean "hot" and by blessing you mean "easy." I myself have yet to find a fulfilling church that nourishes my soul. Please pray for me.
Wheatonite: I certainly will.
W.B.: Listen, I know this drug dealer, do you want to go score some X and have the day fly by?
Wheatonite: I’ve missed your jokes! I praise God for you sense of humor.
W.B.: Right on!
Wheatonite: How’s your prayer life, W.B.?
W.B.:….
Wheatonite: How’s your sexual purity life?
W.B.:…..
Wheatonite: How’s your life in general? Do you have any aspirations, goals, loves, etc…
W.B.:.....
Wheatonite:…
W.B.: Oh shit! I’m late for work.