Fighting Off the Juggernaut!

Apparently Peter B. knows an Doof Ass's future N.Y. roomy. They are going out for drinks tonight and, no doubt, it will be quite an affair. Hanging out with a 23 year old who lives with his parents and works at a bookstores coffee counter, grad baby will have the unique opportunity to actually look into his own future. The only difference being he'll have himself a degree that opens about as many doors as a banana peel. Poor bastard.

But that is neither here nor there. The purpose of this post is to impart some helpful advice to grad baby, advice that will aid him in his interaction with An Doof Ass: The Roommate.
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1.) You must constantly tell him to turn off lights when exiting a room. *Revelation:* He doesn’t turn off lights because he’s selfish and extravagant.

2.) Carry a spray bottle with you. An Doof Ass constantly tries to climb up on the furniture. Spraying him with the water bottle helps him learn where he is not allowed. Make sure you spray him only when you catch him in the act; spraying him after the fact only confuses him. *Helpful Tip:* For an even more effective spray, put a little Tabasco sauce in the water and aim for the eyes. Remember this phrase: Bad An Doof Ass! NO! NO!

3.) He walks around in his underwear.

4.) He’s a bad drunk. An Doof Ass prides himself on his tolerance for spirits. This is his downfall. He often decides to “test” his limits. In my experience this leads to one to three possibly outcomes. Outcome possibility uno: he punches you in the guts without provocation. He then justifies this by saying “I had to do that. You understand right?” Possibility tois: He vomits all over your room, the living room, the kitchen or all three, and then goes to sleep in your bed. Possibility six: He starts crying for no reason.

5.) He’s a smoker. If you can roll it up in the Bible’s concordance, he’ll smoke it. greasy rags, oregano, pine needles, hair, styrophoam, you name it he’s smoked it.

There are more things that come to mind, such as his poor hygiene, lack of coolness, haphazard sleeping schedule, panic attacks, anti-panic attacks, smack habit, love of sardines and smelly cheese, basic thievery, advanced thievery, leaves cap off the toothpaste, steals your toothpaste, doesn’t brush his teeth, lack of cultivation, snobbery, and so forth. I wish you luck future coffee monkey. You’re neither in my thoughts nor prayers because not even God can save you now. An Doof Ass is coming….