Daily G-R-I-N-D!

I've been getting a lot of flack about my excitement over the release of Steve Martin's new movie, The Pink Panther. Sure, its release has been postponed for over a year; and yes, it's being released in February—the month of dog-faced movies; and yes, it has Beyonce in it (how is this a problem?); and yes, I know you're not supposed to use a semicolon in conjunction with a, um ... conjunction; but I am still looking forward to it.

In fact, I'm looking forward to it so much that, to make the matinee, I will, unfortunately, have to miss this week's marriage counseling session, again. I can hear it now: The completely baseless accusations against a completely innocent, unselfish, good-looking Working Boy.

Accusation: You care about a movie that you know is going to be bad more than our relationship.
Witty response: Let's drink until one of passes out and forget about this silliness. You go first.

Accusation: You've made up some lame excuse to miss every session this month. It doesn't do any good if I have to go alone.
Witty response: That's not true.

Accusation: You don't love me anymore.
Witty response: That's only half true.

Accusation: I'm having a physical affair with your best friend.
Witty Response: First of all, that's not an accusation. Second of all, you and I both know I don't have any friends. And if I did they would be too gross and self-centered and anal for you to even think about having an affair with them.

Accusation: Are you having an affair?
Witty Response: Only a series of empty emotional ones with characters in the new Chris Ware comic.

Accusation: What?
Witty Response: Oh, like you’ve never thought what it would be like to be with a minimalistically drawn cosmonaut who sits on a park bench all day watching leaves fall off a tree!

Accusation: What?
Witty Response: I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.