HEART STRINGS!!!!!

I was once told by a college associate that I was the most negative person she had ever known. Since she was from the east coast, I dismissed this as the ravings of an ignorant, self-absorbed bitch who would probably never be able to appreciate a perfectly fine and reasonably priced meal at chain restaurant. If she had been slutty, I probably wouldn’t have been so hard on her, but she wasn’t, not even a little bit. She wasn’t even a tease. And how hard is it to be a little bit of tease? Come on.

Anyway, since that time I have had many common experiences that slowly and relentlessly made me into…wait for it….the most negative person I know. This became all to real when I was sitting in my apartment eating a biscuit and wondering if I should take a walk or drink myself into a comfortable 11 am haze. And—get this—I pitied myself for it. Just a few months before I would have killed to be sitting in my apartment mulling over such options. The very fact that I didn’t have such fucking sweet options was why I would come home every night, eat a nice meal and be in bed by 9:30 hoping to dream about being some kind of spy

In short, in that moment, I came face-to-face with my own negativity. There had to a solution, a cure, for such a terrible disposition. And there was: I decided to do both. I took 6 shots and stumbled out into the autumn air for a fine two-hour walk on which I ran into the neighborhood stray 3 times. Afterwards, I came home full of postivity, watered down the bottle of whiskey, and smoked 4 cigarettes, each one raising my resolve to continue to be a positive person.

I decided to start on this noble journey by learning all about English grammar and usage so I could gently and positively correct people who don’t never speech informed right or never are elegant in they’re talking to other peoples about things they think on. Soon however I learned the error of such an endeavor. While being a member of the grammar police is certainly a noble and positive contribution to society, it became clear quickly that I had neither the intellectual ability nor stamina to join their ranks. I even remembered previous attempts at accomplishing this feat that met with similar lackluster results. So I abandoned the project. But was I negative about it? Did I think I was an idiot or lazy? My old negative self certainly would have felt this way. But my new and improved positive outlook just told me I was still good ol’ reliable Working Boy always trying to better himself.

This new positive outlook has done wonders for me. For example, Old Negative wouldn’t buy liquor because he thought it was just a coward's pathetic attempt at escape from the world. But New Positive realizes it’s just good times and nothing matters more than happiness. Old Negative used to clean the apartment and get mad when it got dirty. New Positive is usually too drunk to make it home to his apartment much less worry about whether it’s clean or not.

There was a time I thought such positive thinking was the hollow sentiment of people too doped up on video games and Spielberg films. Now I know that video games are fun and many of the characters are sexually attractive. And even “bad” movies are awesome because then you get to feel superior to everyone who had anything to do with it.

So what about YOU? Are YOU a positive person? If so, congratulations and don’t let the haters get you down with their judgementalism and/or dietary restrictions. If not, I pity you and hope this little message from my full and content heart will help your shriveled and abhorrent one. Happy Thanksgiving!