One fell SWOOP !!!

Working Boy: Wow, that chair sure looks comfortable.
Renaissance Urban Sportsman: Good lord! It’s you!
W.B: What’s it made of?
R.U.S: Well, um, baby seal and elephant mostly. Two elephants actually. For the tusks. Which are used to position the chair in the room, and then discarded.
W.B: Where’d you get it?
R.U.S: Nepal or Egypt or Canada, I can’t remember exactly. I’ve been pretty busy taking in the finer things in life.
W.B: Wow, you’ve really been living it up. I heard rumors you even went to an Asian massage parlor.
R.U.S: Oh sure.
W.B.: What could be better than that?
R.U.S: Lots of things, you pathetic, servile nobody. Take opium for example. Did I tell you about when I went to the opium den in London with the Earl of Sandwich and Ginger Spice. Now that was a Monday afternoon!
W.B.: Even filth like me can see that.
R.U.S: Yeah, you look pretty gross and not rich. What are you doing these days?
W.B: We’ll get to that. Tell me more about your adventures.
R.U.S: There’s really not much to tell. I traveled, I spent paper money like it was coin money and coin money like it was paper monopoly money. I got drunk a lot, but a fine aristocratic drunk, which you could never achieve.
W.B: What else?
R.U.S: Well, let’s see. Oh, I went through a pretty big hat phase. I had to have every kind of hat. Straw, Panama, the one’s with the kangaroo on them.
W.B: You’ve lived such an extravagant and privileged life these last couple of weeks. That’s what makes this so terrible.
R.U.S: Wait, what makes what terrible? My sweet existence makes your terrible worthless existence terrible? My awesome hat collection makes your nothing collection so terrible?
W.B: You know what I mean. Renaissance Urban Sportsman, it’s time for you to go away for a while?
R.U.S: But I just got my peacock waistcoat back from the dry cleaner! I was going to wear it to the opera and spit sunflower seeds at the ushers!
W.B: I know, I know.
R.U.S: Don’t do it Working Boy! Here, have an oyster and pull up that Corbusier. I’ll have my man mix us up some martinis and we’ll go buy some puppies and kittens.
W.B: Don’t make this harder than it already is. You knew this day was coming. Besides we both know it hasn’t all been washed, but still hot pop stars and delicious minor royalty. What about the time when you ate a box of donuts and watched The View?
R.U.S: Who told you about that?!
W.B: The romance novels?
R.U.S: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
W.B: Come on, it’s not like you’re never going to come back. And I’ll have you know I’m working for very famous people.
R.U.S: You’re sure good at serving others, tool.
W.B: Shut your slightly fat face!
R.U.S: How dare you! I’ll have you know I only gained 10 pounds while you were away and I think it’s mostly luxury fat, the most elegant and refined of fats!
W.B.: R.U.S. let’s not fight. Here, take my hand, it’s time to go.
R.U.S: Where are you taking me?
W.B: For a walk.
R.U.S: Are there going to be any donuts?
W.B: No.
R.U.S: Mexican sweet bread?
W.B: Sorry.
R.U.S: A discussion of luxury watches.
W.B: Probably.
R.U.S: So are you making lots of money like at your old job?
W.B: Some things are more important than money.
R.U.S: What? Like wiping up coffee on your hands and knees while they stand over you in their Marc Jacobs dresses asking you to go get them some more honey?
W.B: Who told you about that?!
R.U.S: You did, with your pussy eyes and proletariat work polo. You fucked up, Working Boy. You fucked up.
W.B.: I’m going to miss you R.U.S. Hey, remember when you tried smoking all the spices and herbs in the cupboard?
R.U.S: Good times. I wrote the Earl of Sandwich a whole long letter about it. You know what I’m not going to miss though?
W.B.: What’s that?
R.U.S: The masturbating. That got a little out of control toward the end.
W.B: Oh yeah.