what do you want from me?!

Things have been looking up recently. I sold my clunker of car for some serious money and bought a Bentley. I like it alright. There are, after all, few pleasures as necessary as fine cordovan leather and cherry accents. While my car is awesome something has been missing in my life as of late–an awesome haircut.

For a while I was living the bustling urban dream by having my haircuttery just around the corner from my loft. It was great. I would go there after a long day of work and have my homosexual Mexican stylist Christopher wash and trim my flowing mane into all form or spiked and highlighted glory. We become close friends and when his club had a walk-off in Hyde Park a couple months back I gave him and his buddies a ride down. It was classy.

But like so much in life it was not meant to last. Christopher no longer works at Volare Hair Emporium on 18th and Carpenter and since the rest of the staff is female (there are few things as unnatural as a woman touching a man’s scalp. Gross) I was forced to look for a new trim-man.

For months I wandered around trying to find a replacement to no avail. I received many bad, choppy haircuts that I eventually gave up looking and returned to my flowing college locks. This made the girls go crazy but I was less enthused about it because of the hot, stick weather. Then out of nowhere I found a new place just around the corner from my office tower.

Gentlemen, if you are ever in Chicago and need a haircut, I’m taking you to “Originals Nail Salon.” There you will find a single homosexual Polish man who has been in the same spot for 35 years. His salon has all the great 80's style you come to expect from all Eurotrash and the soundtrack is all Eddy Grant. Originals also includes a fine harem of Eastern European women named Sasha and Katrina that do all the finishing touches. After he’s done with the trim he snaps his fingers like a real swinger, and one of them comes over and blow dry’s and part your hair either on the left or the right side all the while smelling like cinnamon gum and slut buts. It is all quite regal.

Any whats it, I got this haircut because I’m going to a big important business conference this weekend in Buenos Aires and I need to look good for all the powerful contracts I’m going to get. Yeah!